My Head’s Lines - 9/7/11
Dozens killed as Russian plane carrying hockey team crashes:
- …In what fans are calling the sport’s coolest fight ever.
- …In what is being described as a botched V-formation by disappointed Emilio Estevez.
- …The crash was both sponsored and caused by Absolut Vodka.
Macbook Air doubles as Kitchen knife:
- …also, suicide note.
- …The macbook pro meanwhile only doubles as a claymore.
- …Says chef who hates windows.
- …Says Drunk father giving son a kitchen knife for his birthday.
Tropical storms Nate and Maria Form:
- …Newest couple on the Weather Channel’s hit, Dancing with the Shards
- …Meteorologsts to downgrade Nate’s status to “Totally Whipped.”
9-1-1 Audio released from iHop massacre:
- …fulltime IHOP employee welcomes the syrupy sweet release of death.
- …”These crappy pancakes hardly soak up any blood!” says disappointedwound victim.
- …”I asked for blueberry syrup” says confused senior being shot in the face.
- …Killing 25 people and zero dreams.
Mayor: NYC Roaring back after 9/11:
- …Some say the recovery was an “inside job.”
- …”You know, ‘roaring’ back,” adds Mayor, “like a frightened mob or jetengine.”
Fashion Week Boosts Local Economy:
- …Lowers local self-esteem.
- …Also boosts economies in Laos, Cambodia, and other “sweatshop nations.”
- …Also boosted, local bulimia.
- …Fashion Week Bras boost local breasts.
Local 63 year-old Oldest Ballperson at US Open:
- …”I still prefer to go by ‘Ball Boy’“ says creepy old man.
- …”My Geoffry doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘retire’,” says soon-to-be widow.
- …Until stunning last minute reveal “I’m not actually local, suckers!”
Experts say Remote Alaskan Volcano Might Errupt Soon:
- …Eskimos cautioned to “stop being eskimos already!”
- …Ambiguous definitions of “soon,” “might,” and “Experts,”all brought intodoubt by hungry polar bear.
- …As god attempts to create new temperature scientists have dubbed“coolata.”
- …Clouding out Sarah Palin’s view of Russian Plane Crash.
